Poor little cry baby 🙂

 Idk why I'm even letting this escape my mind and publishing it on the internet.. but here we go 🥴 This is an essay of me complaining about shit that isn't even that bad. Problems of 18 year old lazy boring girl with self acceptance issues or whatever. 

I would normally keep these things to myself but I feel like there is no space left in my mind. So I'm gonna vent a little. I kinda hope someone reads this but I'm also freaked out that someone could read this. See? I am a walking paradox. That's just what I am. 

Why couldn't I write essays like this in school? I sucked in essays so bad. 

Okay, okay. This is the introduction to the rant that I wrote at 6 am. It's long so no one will read it. Okay. Now the freaking rant. 

2021 what a year

New Year's Eve sucked, then I went to the hospital with my kidneys for a week. Still taking antibiotics three weeks later, I though my UTI problems were solved but they're not. 

I am officially dropping out of school, I'll need to find a job or something soon. I feel ugly and fat most days, I don't enjoy doing anything, days go by fast and they're wasted, I don't feel like I am present here atm.

 I always fuck up something on my body. My acne or wounds that I have on my arms, because I am obsessively picking them, heal and I'm like yeah, looks good but then a day later I pick it and it's all destroyed again. Same with my legs, chest, back, face. I am obsessively cutting my cuticles till they get really sensitive. I eat like shit. I am craving alcohol so much. I am scared of the future, I have no idea where I'm going.

 I don't know if I can love someone, like date them. It's scary, I like them but then I start distancing myself, don't wanna hang out, I just get kinda anxious I guess because I'm a homebody, introvert, I just need a lot of alone time. I don't have any friends because I cut everyone off but I am okay with that. Every two or three years I will just cut everyone off and then after some time make new friends 💁🏼

Okay, I am bisexual or pansexual whatever but idk who I like, I like everyone but I also can't imagine myself in a relationship with whoever. Girls are very attractive in a sexual way I guess or they're just so pretty, I am not sure if the relationship would work though. Guys. I can fall hard for them, they're attractive, they're fun but sometimes I am just kinda disgusted by them. I have to admit I like pussy better than dick. I wouldn't be grossed out by someone I really like so I guess this thing is kinda okay. There is also one other thing that I don't like, I don't like when in heterosexual relationship the man is the dominant, he "owns" the woman or sth, both are absolutely equal in my idea of a relationship, there is no way around it. 

And I am fucking picky with man because I have big crushes on some famous guys and my expectations are high which is awful from me because I am nothing special so I don't deserve someone talented and famous. I am a 2 and I want a 110.

I don't even know why I am writing about love stuff now. 

Last thing, my mum has covid now so I maybe have it too or will get it soon. I need to get tested. Idk who is gonna help my grandma, she has dislocated her shoulder so she can't use that arm and someone needs to help her shower and shop. The covid situation in the Czech republic is tragic, idk how it could've get that bad but it's getting worse everyday, lovely. Doctor's appointments are postponed so my kidney check up is the earliest in a month and I haven't seen my psychologist for 2 months, I think I could use a visit, I need help with the school/work stuff and new prescription. 

I hate being a cry baby. I just had to get my thoughts out, free my mind a bit because I can't sleep. I'm thinking about this shit for more than six months every single day. Days go by and I don't even know what I'm doing between when I wake up and when I go to bed. Nothing useful, just wasting time but I just can't get myself to be creative, to do something for my future, to earn some money, to make someone happy. I always start being into something but then I'm like ugh 🙄 and I quit. I am a shitty lazy person and I think I can pray or ask the universe for stuff, am I stupid? Yes. 

There are people who are struggling a lot more, I cannot even imagine but still there is me complaining about life when I have a place to sleep, food, family, I can watch TV, listen to songs, pamper myself, play with my bunny, buy stupid shit I don't need, I have plenty of stuff that I should be grateful for and I am but sometimes I don't realize that. 

I try to at least here and there send some money to people who are ill or support organizations saving the earth. 

I should really stop now. Get out of my bed and do something with myself, I smell bad and my room is a mess. Okay. I am going. 

Also. Love it that the government gave 25 000$ to two influencers to make some TikTok and a YouTube video about the vaccines. I mean okay, it's educational but was it necessary to make it, I don't think so. Was it necessary to pay them this much, I don't think so. They will still get money from views and adverts. And they do a lot of collabs with brands or e-shops these days. 

The money from our taxes should be used to buy respirators, pay nurses and buy vaccines which are needed as the nurses, doctors and some patients got the first dose and they need the second dose that they cannot get now. So what was the vaccination good for when it's not completed. Nothing. Why didn't the government plan it better? 

Czech republic is best at Covid but not in a good way. I never thought it could get to this point in our country. Remember the first wave, Czechs making face masks at home, it was viral and now? 🤡🤡🤡

Also in need of some money are people who cannot work now at all. Restaurant owners, hairdressers, estheticians, tattoo artists, nail techs, shopping assistants in shops selling clothes, shoes, non food or hygiene related stuff. 

So stay at home everyone I guess? Just be thoughtful and kind to other people, be safe yourself and help other be safe as well. I am staying at home most of the time, like if my parents wouldn't force me to go outside sometimes, it's possible that I wouldn't leave the house in the last 10 months. Okay maybe I am exaggerating a little but I mean 🤔

Introverts have it a little easier now I think. So I'mma stay at home and gain some fat so I'm cute for summer 🐷 Maybe there won't be any summer so it's all good. 

Maybe I am going a little crazy because I have a headache and my hearing is shit. So I'm pretty sure I'm rona positive. I'm sending you negativity 😅 and happiness. Okay, bye. 

PS: wth is this blog's name, I'm cringing